New York, New York

Friday night, I'm sitting on the couch watching 'Smart People'. I do love Sarah Jessica Parker in everything she does.

I'm also browsing apartments in NYC looking for a dream place. Which I can't get excited about yet, because we haven't got the bloody contract! We are less than 3 weeks away from getting married though, which I CAN get excited about.

I have been working out every day, and have definitely lost weight. I even got back into my jeans yesterday. Secretly I'm hoping that this weight loss could help us get pregnant.
Tom is scheduled in for his semen analysis in 2 weeks, which he is dreading! But it will be good to get it over and done with. Then at least we will have all the facts.

The bad thing is that he has to abstain for 3 days, which co-incides with our TTC time this month! Perhaps getting pregnant now wouldn't be the best idea, but I still want it SO much. I watch A Baby Story every Friday. Is it ridiculous that I look forward to child birth?

Untrustworthy

I haven't written for a while, and boy have things changed!

We are now fast tracking a wedding in 4 weeks, and looking to move to NYC by the end of October.
I have joined up with a personal trainer, and am going 6 days per week. I really don't want to be chubby on my wedding day, no matter how un-traditional it's going to be.

Today I asked DH if I could install a piece of software on his computer (logged in as me!) to plan my food and menus over the next 3 weeks. He wouldn't give me the admin password to do it.
I am very confused and quite angry about it TBH. He gave me a spiel about having one password for everything, and wanting to keep things private. Which I totally respect. However, it all implied that I was going to use that password to get into his private things. Which of course I wasn't.

So now I have chores to do, and am trying to keep my mind off why he was so mistrusting of me.

No baby again this month. DH has now agreed to have the semen analysis, so it looks like we'll try and get that done and see the OB before we leave for NYC. I'm not sure how quickly we can use the healthcare plan we're getting once we arrive, so I'd rather sort these things out now.

I really hope he hasn't got any problems, and we can just keep trying without a care in the world.
What is it going to be like having a baby in NYC?

So many things are unknown and I hate it. I'm hoping all this bloody exercise will help keep me balanced.

The perfect cycle?

So we're in the middle of what my friend Jane calls a 'shagathon'. I've had a very normal cycle, no doctors visits, and I'm feeling good about it. Last night we even made love without thinking too much about TTC. Now that is weird for us, because most months we are so stressed about it. Last night we did it because we WANTED to. Hard to fathom I know!

Our holiday away was very relaxing, although I certainly didn't eat as well as I should have - ice-cream every night! But we both needed that time to get away.

This week has been such turmoil (in a good way) because DH might be transferring us to NYC to live. It is my favourite place on earth, so I'm not complaining, but until we have a signed contract, I'm not getting too excited. One of the scariest things, is that we would have to get MARRIED! The US does not recognise any form of defacto relationship, and unless we're married I wouldn't be able to work. Secretly I hope I'm pregnant by the time we move in 3 months, so I won't have to think too much about work.

Now that I know about this plan for moving, it's absolutely impossible to stop thinking about it. I love New York SO much. Not sure what it would be like having a new born baby there though? Without friends and family - perhaps we are in for a tough time. But again, who knows whether we'll be pregnant.

My list of uncertainties:

- don't know when or if I will get pregnant
- don't know where I will be living in 3 months time
- don't know whether I will be getting married
- don't know when to tell my Mum about all this (she will be sad)

I have decided to stop temperature charting after this month. It is just making me obsess too much and it's not healthy. It makes me wake up in the morning too early and then I can't get back to sleep if it's too near 6.30am (temperature time). I've had 2 fairly normal cycles, in which I have clearly seen ovulation, so I really don't see any need.

If we don't get pregnant this month, DH will be off for his Semen Analysis. Turns out that he thought there was nothing one could do about a negative result. He was a bit relieved when I said that better diet, exercise etc can really help with sperm counts (and other things). I wish he'd read a bit more about it...but I guess that's just not his style.

Had a lovely acupuncture session yesterday, am expecting O day to be today or tonight (have had LH surge) so it was perfect timing. I find Heather very positive and calming.

Well that's all from me today. I'll be a sex machine for the rest of the weekend if you need me.

Bad Timing

So, we're off on a trip to NZ for a week tomorrow, and no I'm not pregnant this month.
I was hoping we could have arranged our relaxing time away with TTC, but no luck. So we'll be trying when we're back at stressful work.

Last night I had chills and fever AGAIN, and had to drag my ass into work today. Don't know what's going on. What I do know, is that I am NOT having any more liquid herbs from my natural therapist. Something that makes my body so reluctant can't be that good!

My big news, is that DH has decided to take the semen analysis if we don't succeed this month. I was so relieved, because it means I don't have to ask him again. I know it's a scary thing for him (in case it's bad news), but I'm glad he's come around on his own.

Now there's also a chance we're moving, to either NZ, London or New York! I know which one I choose...

Will I just know?

Well it seems I can't get through a month without having some sort of illness or something that knocks me back around ovulation.

Last month it was THE worst bladder infection (and no of course I can't get straight up an go to the bathroom!), and this month I spent Saturday night vomiting and passing out.
At first I was slightly excited, and thought 'maybe this is morning sickness', but then I realised that morning sickness doesn't exactly happen 4 days after conception, and neither does a raging temperature.

So I went to the doctor, as I also had lower back pain, and was really exhausted, and she says 'nothing's wrong, maybe you had a bug'. I wanted to cry. Only one month prior, I was sitting in the same chair getting antibiotics from her. Why can't I go one month with a perfect cycle?

So, I'm trying hard to be happy and not let negative thoughts overtake me. It's about 5 months since I stopped taking my anti-depressants, and all things considered, I think I have done pretty well. I usually find my happiness levels go something like this:

Period week: Fairly happy, thinking about this months follicles, and feeling hopeful.
Week two: Stressed, begin the week worried and sad, end the week happy and excited because we're trying!
Week three: Depressed, anxious, impatient and convinced I'm not pregnant.
Week four: Pre-menstrual but feeling like the countdown to next cycle is close.

Poor DH, must feel like his life is a rollercoaster. We have had a fairly stressful week so far, as I have my sister here from NZ, and it's not much fun. Sex is out of the question, and I'm lucky I manipulated the dates she was here, as she was originally planning to be here on Day 15 of my cycle.

I had acupuncture again today, at a nice clinic in Woolahra. I am a bit scared (?) of the acupuncturist, which is strange because I am a grown woman. Last week she told me off for wearing flip-flops. So I am looking forward to my regular lady coming back.

Have been taking the chasteberry (Vitex), as well as the following supplements:

Probiotics (morning and night)
Cranberry (to avoid more cystitis)
Blackmores Conceive Well supplement (has everything in it)
Zinc
Fish Oil
Calcium/Magnesium
Liquid Herbs (my natural therapist mixed these for me)

Have managed to convince DH to take a multi-vitamin every night, and he now does so willingly. He is a lovely man.

So tonight I wait for him after a job interview that might take us back to NZ, or to London.
Why does it all have to be so uncertain?

First post!

Well, I've spent most of the day surfing the web reading others stories of TTC and 2WW. I even know all these silly acronyms now! I'm still not tempted to participate in the forums yet, but it's nice to read them and know I'm not the only one going through this.

We have been trying to have a baby for about 5 months now, and only 3 months of REALLY trying (temp charting, ovulation kits etc). I have PCOS, but it doesn't seem to be severe, as I think I am ovulating every month, and my periods are fairly regular. I am currently day 20, and it's been about 5 days since I think I ovulated.

I had a terrible weekend, throwing up and fainting on Saturday night, but I don't think it's pregnancy, as I had a temperature as well, and still don't feel 100%.

The whole TTC thing has really taken over my life. For at least half the month, I feel positive and excited. For the other half, I feel sad, alone and abnormal. I worry that I will end up in IVF (as one of my best friends is) and be too old to have as many babies as I would like. I know we haven't even got one yet, but I always thought I would like 3. I am an only child, and there's no way I'm only having one. (If I have a choice).

I have started weekly acupuncture, and have been taking every supplement under the sun. My natural health therapist gave me vitex (chasteberry) last week, but because I was sick, I haven't been able to take it.

I have so many questions:
- is it possible to take too many supplements?
- how do I ask DH to take the semen analysis? He is so sensitive, and this has been stressful for him.
- If I found my OB/GYN to be kind of scary, should i go back to him?

That's all for now - perhaps this writing thing will help.
xxx