Maybe?

Ok so it seems maybe I overreacted on Tuesday.  My symptoms are back, and the 'baby' was visible on the first ultrasound. Phew!
We are spending a couple of days in Toronto, and the flight here was ok, but I was nervous the whole time that something terrible would happen as a result of the cabin pressure. I tell you, reading so much online is not good for mental health!
DH has gone off to the Toronto office for work, and I decided to go exploring, but it was so cold and windy that I'm back in the hotel room. What a bore I am!  However, I have slight nausea, and would rather be taking it easy.  Please let the nausea stick around!!!!
The embryo was .55cm long on the ultrasound, and I'm scheduled to go back on the 11th Feb for the week 7 scan.  DH will be in South Africa, so I can only pray that everything is ok, as I'll be by myself.  It's tough living in NYC with no friends when you're pregnant!  I mean I do have a couple of friends, but none that I'm really close to.

So - 2 weeks and counting. Time is going slow!

Sadness

Well I really hoped I would never be writing sad posts like this, but last night I think I had a miscarriage.
We found out we were pregnant only 3 nights ago, and have been so happy since then. But last night I was woken up by a sharp cramping, and suddenly my breasts were not sore anymore. Today I would be 5 weeks and 1 day. 
I remember a friend of mine (who now has 2 healthy children) telling me about her miscarriage, and she said 'I knew something was wrong because my boobs weren't sore anymore'.  So as soon as I woke up, I felt mine and immediately they felt different.  And I felt that I just knew something had changed.
We have a doctors appt at 12.15 today, and I just want it to be over.  I haven't even seen this doctor before, so I don't know what he will be like.
I feel such a sense of guilt, and when I look at DH, I feel like I've let him down. I wonder if other women feel like this?  Secretly I am hoping that it hasn't happened, and that I've just had a scare. But sometimes you just know your body.  And I just don't feel pregnant anymore. 
Funnily enough I don't feel like crying right now. I just feel kind of empty.  I feel depressed.

Scratch that. DH just called to see how I was, and the tears are coming. 
I have to think of the positives of this.  At least we know now that I can get pregnant. After months of trying, that is some solace.  But at the same time, it took so long, so will we have to wait that long again? I don't think I could cope with that.

Still on my mind

Well it's been forever since I posted anything, and so much has changed since August. We got married! And we moved to NYC! But we are not pregnant...yet.
New Years Eve was a really tough night, and I ended up crying into Tom's chest until I fell asleep. I truly believed that we would be pregnant by Christmas/New Years. And we're not.

I have been doing acupuncture 3 times per month (now with a new acupuncturist in NYC who I really like), I go to the gym 4 times per week, I've stopped obsessing (kind of). Yet nothing has happened. One of the worst things about this whole experience is that our sex life has taken a complete dive. At the end of 'trying' this month I announced that I needed to take a break from trying. Whether I really believe this is possible, is another story. But more than anything, I really just want normal loving sex!

Now we are on insurance here in the US, I've been doing some more research. I found a group of Reproductive Endocrinologists online (they had come recommended), and they had an email service. So I emailed them. And they replied saying that they think it's time I saw one. Which kind of threw me, because I figured we still had a few months until we hit the technical '12 months of trying' IF deadline. And I also wondered if they just want the money. I haven't yet mentioned it to Tom, because I told him I didn't want to talk/think/cry about it for a month. I know it's silly for me to be thinking about something and not telling him. He's overseas now for a week, so maybe once he's back we can talk about it. Am I ready to take that step?