The perfect cycle?

So we're in the middle of what my friend Jane calls a 'shagathon'. I've had a very normal cycle, no doctors visits, and I'm feeling good about it. Last night we even made love without thinking too much about TTC. Now that is weird for us, because most months we are so stressed about it. Last night we did it because we WANTED to. Hard to fathom I know!

Our holiday away was very relaxing, although I certainly didn't eat as well as I should have - ice-cream every night! But we both needed that time to get away.

This week has been such turmoil (in a good way) because DH might be transferring us to NYC to live. It is my favourite place on earth, so I'm not complaining, but until we have a signed contract, I'm not getting too excited. One of the scariest things, is that we would have to get MARRIED! The US does not recognise any form of defacto relationship, and unless we're married I wouldn't be able to work. Secretly I hope I'm pregnant by the time we move in 3 months, so I won't have to think too much about work.

Now that I know about this plan for moving, it's absolutely impossible to stop thinking about it. I love New York SO much. Not sure what it would be like having a new born baby there though? Without friends and family - perhaps we are in for a tough time. But again, who knows whether we'll be pregnant.

My list of uncertainties:

- don't know when or if I will get pregnant
- don't know where I will be living in 3 months time
- don't know whether I will be getting married
- don't know when to tell my Mum about all this (she will be sad)

I have decided to stop temperature charting after this month. It is just making me obsess too much and it's not healthy. It makes me wake up in the morning too early and then I can't get back to sleep if it's too near 6.30am (temperature time). I've had 2 fairly normal cycles, in which I have clearly seen ovulation, so I really don't see any need.

If we don't get pregnant this month, DH will be off for his Semen Analysis. Turns out that he thought there was nothing one could do about a negative result. He was a bit relieved when I said that better diet, exercise etc can really help with sperm counts (and other things). I wish he'd read a bit more about it...but I guess that's just not his style.

Had a lovely acupuncture session yesterday, am expecting O day to be today or tonight (have had LH surge) so it was perfect timing. I find Heather very positive and calming.

Well that's all from me today. I'll be a sex machine for the rest of the weekend if you need me.

Will I just know?

Well it seems I can't get through a month without having some sort of illness or something that knocks me back around ovulation.

Last month it was THE worst bladder infection (and no of course I can't get straight up an go to the bathroom!), and this month I spent Saturday night vomiting and passing out.
At first I was slightly excited, and thought 'maybe this is morning sickness', but then I realised that morning sickness doesn't exactly happen 4 days after conception, and neither does a raging temperature.

So I went to the doctor, as I also had lower back pain, and was really exhausted, and she says 'nothing's wrong, maybe you had a bug'. I wanted to cry. Only one month prior, I was sitting in the same chair getting antibiotics from her. Why can't I go one month with a perfect cycle?

So, I'm trying hard to be happy and not let negative thoughts overtake me. It's about 5 months since I stopped taking my anti-depressants, and all things considered, I think I have done pretty well. I usually find my happiness levels go something like this:

Period week: Fairly happy, thinking about this months follicles, and feeling hopeful.
Week two: Stressed, begin the week worried and sad, end the week happy and excited because we're trying!
Week three: Depressed, anxious, impatient and convinced I'm not pregnant.
Week four: Pre-menstrual but feeling like the countdown to next cycle is close.

Poor DH, must feel like his life is a rollercoaster. We have had a fairly stressful week so far, as I have my sister here from NZ, and it's not much fun. Sex is out of the question, and I'm lucky I manipulated the dates she was here, as she was originally planning to be here on Day 15 of my cycle.

I had acupuncture again today, at a nice clinic in Woolahra. I am a bit scared (?) of the acupuncturist, which is strange because I am a grown woman. Last week she told me off for wearing flip-flops. So I am looking forward to my regular lady coming back.

Have been taking the chasteberry (Vitex), as well as the following supplements:

Probiotics (morning and night)
Cranberry (to avoid more cystitis)
Blackmores Conceive Well supplement (has everything in it)
Zinc
Fish Oil
Calcium/Magnesium
Liquid Herbs (my natural therapist mixed these for me)

Have managed to convince DH to take a multi-vitamin every night, and he now does so willingly. He is a lovely man.

So tonight I wait for him after a job interview that might take us back to NZ, or to London.
Why does it all have to be so uncertain?