Ups and Downs

Well I'll start this post with the good news:
My OB appointment on Monday went perfectly. More than perfectly. It was quite possibly one of the best days of my life. I saw our little blobs heartbeat. And it was FAST!  I was by myself because DH is on a business trip. But we spoke immediately after the appointment and I could hear the relief in his voice.  Of course my doctor (who I really do like), had to go and ruin the moment by saying 'We're not out of the woods yet!'. Like I don't know that.  But who cares, because this thing is alive! And I have the picture to prove it.

On a sadder note, I think I have lost all control of my emotions.  I have been bawling my eyes out at TV, in particular the show '16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom'.  There is a young couple on it who decided to give their little girl up for adoption. It was truly heartbreaking.

Today I decided to call Ikea in Long Island who I have been having issues with since 3 weeks ago when I asked to do a phone order. Long story short, they finally took the order on Friday. The guy that took the order was clearly miserable in his job, and had a bad cold (which I heard every hideous sniff of).  I had an inkling that he wasn't getting everything in the order. However, I had faith that they would have a system, and that system would work.

How wrong I was.

Today I call to check up on the order. I have heard nothing since Friday.  The woman who answers the phone asks me who I spoke to on Friday. I say I don't know, I can't remember his name. (And I refrained from criticizing him.)  Then she gets all high and mighty and claims that she can't really help me and that I should know his name. So I ask 'how is it my problem, that you can't find my order because I don't know the guys name?'. And she say 'WHY ARE YOU BEING SO RUDE'?  WTF!!!?
Then she calms down a bit, I finally tell her that the guy was very rude, and I am very frustrated. She tells me she gets frustrated too. Do I care? Just get me my order. Which by the way, contains a bed I need to sleep in on Friday night. 
By this stage I am actually crying a little bit, and feeling angry at myself for doing so. She tells me I should go and find a fax machine and fax her this form. I tell her I am pregnant with morning sickness and there is a blizzard outside. She seems to understand.  Now I wait for 'Florence' to call me back. We'll see.

Writing this has helped me to calm down, but I'm sure in normal circumstances (I.E not pregnant) I would not have cried at this experience.  Screw them!

Scared out of my brain

It's 4 days until my next OB appt, and I'm so so scared. Since yesterday, I have no pain in my boobs, and am not nauseous at all today. I feel so nervous.  DH is leaving for a work trip on Saturday, and won't be back until next Friday. If there's bad news at the doctor, I'm on my own.  Do all woman get as scared as this?  Everything I read online just makes me feel so much worse.
I don't know what else to say. I don't even want to leave the house. I don't think behaving like this can be helpful, but I have such a bad feeling about things.  I know that outside the apartment, normal life is happening. But in my head, I am totally freaking out.

Maybe?

Ok so it seems maybe I overreacted on Tuesday.  My symptoms are back, and the 'baby' was visible on the first ultrasound. Phew!
We are spending a couple of days in Toronto, and the flight here was ok, but I was nervous the whole time that something terrible would happen as a result of the cabin pressure. I tell you, reading so much online is not good for mental health!
DH has gone off to the Toronto office for work, and I decided to go exploring, but it was so cold and windy that I'm back in the hotel room. What a bore I am!  However, I have slight nausea, and would rather be taking it easy.  Please let the nausea stick around!!!!
The embryo was .55cm long on the ultrasound, and I'm scheduled to go back on the 11th Feb for the week 7 scan.  DH will be in South Africa, so I can only pray that everything is ok, as I'll be by myself.  It's tough living in NYC with no friends when you're pregnant!  I mean I do have a couple of friends, but none that I'm really close to.

So - 2 weeks and counting. Time is going slow!

Sadness

Well I really hoped I would never be writing sad posts like this, but last night I think I had a miscarriage.
We found out we were pregnant only 3 nights ago, and have been so happy since then. But last night I was woken up by a sharp cramping, and suddenly my breasts were not sore anymore. Today I would be 5 weeks and 1 day. 
I remember a friend of mine (who now has 2 healthy children) telling me about her miscarriage, and she said 'I knew something was wrong because my boobs weren't sore anymore'.  So as soon as I woke up, I felt mine and immediately they felt different.  And I felt that I just knew something had changed.
We have a doctors appt at 12.15 today, and I just want it to be over.  I haven't even seen this doctor before, so I don't know what he will be like.
I feel such a sense of guilt, and when I look at DH, I feel like I've let him down. I wonder if other women feel like this?  Secretly I am hoping that it hasn't happened, and that I've just had a scare. But sometimes you just know your body.  And I just don't feel pregnant anymore. 
Funnily enough I don't feel like crying right now. I just feel kind of empty.  I feel depressed.

Scratch that. DH just called to see how I was, and the tears are coming. 
I have to think of the positives of this.  At least we know now that I can get pregnant. After months of trying, that is some solace.  But at the same time, it took so long, so will we have to wait that long again? I don't think I could cope with that.

Still on my mind

Well it's been forever since I posted anything, and so much has changed since August. We got married! And we moved to NYC! But we are not pregnant...yet.
New Years Eve was a really tough night, and I ended up crying into Tom's chest until I fell asleep. I truly believed that we would be pregnant by Christmas/New Years. And we're not.

I have been doing acupuncture 3 times per month (now with a new acupuncturist in NYC who I really like), I go to the gym 4 times per week, I've stopped obsessing (kind of). Yet nothing has happened. One of the worst things about this whole experience is that our sex life has taken a complete dive. At the end of 'trying' this month I announced that I needed to take a break from trying. Whether I really believe this is possible, is another story. But more than anything, I really just want normal loving sex!

Now we are on insurance here in the US, I've been doing some more research. I found a group of Reproductive Endocrinologists online (they had come recommended), and they had an email service. So I emailed them. And they replied saying that they think it's time I saw one. Which kind of threw me, because I figured we still had a few months until we hit the technical '12 months of trying' IF deadline. And I also wondered if they just want the money. I haven't yet mentioned it to Tom, because I told him I didn't want to talk/think/cry about it for a month. I know it's silly for me to be thinking about something and not telling him. He's overseas now for a week, so maybe once he's back we can talk about it. Am I ready to take that step?

New York, New York

Friday night, I'm sitting on the couch watching 'Smart People'. I do love Sarah Jessica Parker in everything she does.

I'm also browsing apartments in NYC looking for a dream place. Which I can't get excited about yet, because we haven't got the bloody contract! We are less than 3 weeks away from getting married though, which I CAN get excited about.

I have been working out every day, and have definitely lost weight. I even got back into my jeans yesterday. Secretly I'm hoping that this weight loss could help us get pregnant.
Tom is scheduled in for his semen analysis in 2 weeks, which he is dreading! But it will be good to get it over and done with. Then at least we will have all the facts.

The bad thing is that he has to abstain for 3 days, which co-incides with our TTC time this month! Perhaps getting pregnant now wouldn't be the best idea, but I still want it SO much. I watch A Baby Story every Friday. Is it ridiculous that I look forward to child birth?

Untrustworthy

I haven't written for a while, and boy have things changed!

We are now fast tracking a wedding in 4 weeks, and looking to move to NYC by the end of October.
I have joined up with a personal trainer, and am going 6 days per week. I really don't want to be chubby on my wedding day, no matter how un-traditional it's going to be.

Today I asked DH if I could install a piece of software on his computer (logged in as me!) to plan my food and menus over the next 3 weeks. He wouldn't give me the admin password to do it.
I am very confused and quite angry about it TBH. He gave me a spiel about having one password for everything, and wanting to keep things private. Which I totally respect. However, it all implied that I was going to use that password to get into his private things. Which of course I wasn't.

So now I have chores to do, and am trying to keep my mind off why he was so mistrusting of me.

No baby again this month. DH has now agreed to have the semen analysis, so it looks like we'll try and get that done and see the OB before we leave for NYC. I'm not sure how quickly we can use the healthcare plan we're getting once we arrive, so I'd rather sort these things out now.

I really hope he hasn't got any problems, and we can just keep trying without a care in the world.
What is it going to be like having a baby in NYC?

So many things are unknown and I hate it. I'm hoping all this bloody exercise will help keep me balanced.